March 15, 2016 § Leave a comment
The older I get, the less I give a fuck. And I’m not sure if this should concern me. But it doesn’t. Naturally. This week I’ll work two days, spend a couple days drinking during St. Patrick’s day in Savannah, then drinking/smoking in Raleigh and Boone.
I feel as if I’m on the precipice of some momentous change and my life is building up toward it. The year 2015 felt like a stand still. I felt like I was running in place. The frustration that I felt resulted in the inevitable changes clearly documented in the blog posts over the past few months.
I met Larissa in 2016. I believe we were destined to meet. But I’m not convinced that our relationship will result in a positive outcome. We’re both crazy. She has a thing for tall white guys with beards. I have a thing for latin women with big butts. We like to drink and smoke and have a good time. We both really like sex. She likes that I’m not stable. She likes that I’m weird and irrational and an idiot. She’s at a phase of her life where everything about me that should be a red flag looks like a green light.
I love her. Deeply.
I feel like I’m living two very different lives and it can be awkward trying to balance them. My personal life is consumed with alcohol, sex, and weed. My professional life is obviously none of that. And I have no problem keeping the two separate. But I’m quickly reaching a point where I can’t justify taking 12 hour breaks from the fun of my personal life so I can sit at a desk and be overpaid to do what essentially anyone with a high school diploma could do. I want to travel. Get out there. Meet people, see shit.
I appreciate the money, security, and experience this job provides. Eventually I’ll decide to settle down and have a family. God willing, that won’t be for quite some time. This job is building a good foundation for the career that would allow that. But the more I think about it, is that really what I want? I can have a family and live relatively comfortably without working in a corporate setting. Sure, I wouldn’t be able to afford as much. And my kids would feel some of the same pressure I felt growing up in poverty. But in a way I think that’s important. Genuine problems give you flavor. Sterile environments make for boring people. And thus we have a good chunk of white, middle class America; boring.
I’m listening to The Doors self titled album (1967) and it feels right. I’m not sure if I know where I’ll be in a year, but the way the music vibes and moves mirrors my life.
September 8, 2015 § 3 Comments
I understand myself.
There comes a point where our sexuality and our personality intersect. Where the lens you use to analyze daily life overlaps with the way you approach sexual experiences. Part of growing older and maturing is understanding yourself and how these two parts of your life interact. How they affect one another.
I can’t say for certain which of the two impulses is driving the other. Sure, my sexuality is motivated by pure animal instinct to a certain extent. But it’s been well documented that our sexual desires are colored by our non-sexual experiences and aspirations. The type of person we see ourselves as – or perhaps even the type of person that we actually are – influences our sexual preferences. The reverse is certainly true as well.
The origins of my lust for sexual dominance are unclear. To the people that I interact with in many aspects of my life, I may seem reserved and almost standoffish. But I suspect that the select people who have experienced living alongside me in personal and sexual relationships understand that I am extremely passionate and engaging when it comes to the things I care about deeply.
Sex is for me is, like most people, a very personal and sacred experience. It took meeting the right person for me to begin to truly understand myself and what I want. Both sexually and personally. Finding someone whose personality and demeanor compliments yours is a deeply fulfilling and rewarding thing. It was essential to better understanding who I am.
But that isn’t to say that everything is easy. Coming to terms with who you are can be extremely daunting and at times confusing. It has been for me. But for the first time since I’ve begun to look myself in the mirror and be honest about who I am, I’ve begun to see light at the end of the tunnel. It’s been tumultuous and seemingly unstable at times. For a while I’ve felt like I lost control of my life and the direction it was headed. But lately, seemingly out of nowhere, I’ve started to get the sense that this is merely a phase on the path toward becoming one with myself.
This has the potential to be a defining moment for me. I want to embrace who I am with everything that I have. For the first time I want to alter my physical appearance in meaningful ways. I want to look the way I feel, not the way the latest fads and fashions dictate I should look.
At the risk of being cliché, life is a journey. There will be no watershed moment when I will finally “be one” with my soul and become the final version of myself. Every day I am evolving and changing and that will be the case for as long as I’m lucky enough to enjoy life. The important thing is to ensure that my evolution is headed in a direction toward what I truly feel is “me”.
Who is Eric and what does he look like? Fuck if I know, but stay tuned and we will all find out.