Before Europe

June 26, 2016 § Leave a comment

I’m leaving for Europe tomorrow evening. I’ve been thinking in general terms about a few major things. For the past few months especially I’ve been fixated on travel plans, my relationship, and the direction I’d like to take my life in.

I’m in a unique position in the modern world. I live in the first world but I have no debt. I have the best of both worlds: an education, (potential) career, and the freedom to go wherever I’d like.

I’d like to think that spending a couple weeks roaming Europe is an expression of that freedom. But the real truth is that it’s a compromise I make because I’m afraid to take the big leap and leave everything behind — the job, the money — security, really.

I’ve managed to find someone who genuinely feels the same way that I do about life and the world. In so far as they moved across the world to be where they are now, and they’d be just as open to doing so again.

I’m happy, and for the first time in my life I don’t feel as if my relationship is in some way suffocating my personal aspirations and goals. I do sense apprehension in Larissa already. She’s only been in North Carolina, but she’s made comments in passing about staying here. Even thought I made it incredibly clear since I met her that I don’t want to. I believe that she will come with me wherever I go. I’d just rather her not hold it against me if things aren’t always great. She has to want to leave her. Not just so she can be with me, but for herself. I believe she does want to move for herself, unlike my exes.

Eu entendo como falar portugues agora. Eu nao muito bom, mas eu sei um pouco e eu ta melhor que antes. Larissa ajudou muito. Ela é todos coisas pra mim, e ela faz coisas ta dificil mais ficil.

Look, it’s a work in progress.

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Love is Dumb

June 5, 2016 § Leave a comment

I’m in the depths of a relationship, and I’m deep enough that a lot of meaningless things are beginning to matter all of a sudden. I’ve been here before, this is nothing new.

Here’s a good example: Tonight I found out that Larissa has always been ticklish.

See how stupid this is? Why would something so meaningless ever bother me? The answer: love.

Early on I prided myself on being the first person to successfully tickle her.One of the first nights we were together (probably around the same time we both began to realize that this was something more than just a couple casual hook ups) I started tickling her. She insisted she wasn’t ticklish. And not in that playful, coy sort of way. But rather adamantly, she made it clear that no one has ever made her laugh from tickling her.

As I type this I realize how stupid this sounds, but whatever. i made this blog to lay out my stupid thoughts. So here they are.

Then tonight she let it slip that she “used to be ticklish” but found a way to control it. I immediately told her that she lied to me. Which oddly (and characteristically) she denied.

I immediately felt a sense of betrayal. In the heat of the moment, it was almost as if she had lied about me taking her virginity (which…for the record…obviously is not the case…thank god).

Love makes us care about things that don’t matter, and it’s easy to see how minor disagreements can build up to the point that they end long term relationships and break marriages.

The trouble is, I’m not sure how I’d react to actual betrayal. I’ve never experienced it, at least that I know of. But if I get this worked up about things that don’t matter, imagine how I’d feel about the things that do.

 

 

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