December 15, 2015 § Leave a comment
North Carolina. You’ve been a hell of a roller coaster for me.
When I moved here in May 2013, I was with someone that I naively believed I could spend my life with. She loved me. She begged me to marry her. But I knew in my heart that we were two very different people. I knew that I would be unhappy. And although I haven’t spoken to her since I watched her drive off in a car full of her possessions, I suspect she would agree with me now.
I damaged that girl in a way that is inexcusable. For a very long time I felt a very serious amount of guilt for breaking her heart. Eventually I realized that it was inevitable. Not only had we developed a laundry list of bad habits together, but we were fundamentally different people in completely different phases of our lives. I can only live my life for me.
I have no hatred or ill will toward her. I genuinely wish her the best.
Then, for the first time in my adult life I met someone that made me feel like I had found a soulmate. I never expected to meet someone at the dog park. But that’s exactly what happened. We stood in the park talking for hours. Just the two of us. I couldn’t believe it. It was dark by the time we parted ways and agreed to meet up again. I spent that entire night tossing and turning in bed. I had to see this girl again. I had to get to know her. Yeah, I found her attractive. But it was something else. This girl lit this fire inside me that I couldn’t control. To this day I can’t explain it.
That lasted for about six months.
Then things changed. I started developing a lot of unhealthy habits and thought processes that I’d never experienced before. I was working 12 hour night shifts. I wasn’t sleeping. For the first time in my life I began using marijuana as a way to cope with my problems, rather than just as a fun release.
I started to realize that this person didn’t want the same things out of life that I did. The lengthy conversations that we used to have about our future were pipe dreams for her but serious plans for me. She loved me and wanted to marry me, and I think she believed I would sacrifice my dreams for her.
So now it’s back to me and the dog. And to be honest, most of the time I like it. I can do whatever the hell I want when I want. Outside of work, I’m not answering to anyone except the mutt.
I’m not pursuing a new relationship. I’m letting that work itself out. I am putting myself out there. I’m trying to meet new people. Go out for drinks with coworkers and cute girls if possible. But I’ve made it clear that I don’t want a relationship right now.
I met a girl who I believe is as lonely as I am. She just wants someone to talk to. And if she would’ve just said that, I would’ve loved to be her friend. We went out for a couple beers and we hit it off pretty well. But she misled me, and after talking for a week and getting to know one another, she made it clear that she wanted a relationship.
It felt wrong cutting ties with her. I don’t know why, but I hope she changes her mind.
I don’t know many people in North Carolina. So for now I’m just going to spend my time taking Chula to the park, going to bars, and trying to meet new people.
I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now. But I think I like it that way. Maybe one day I’ll meet a girl who makes me want to settle down. But for now I can handle casual sex and occasional loneliness.