Fear

December 1, 2015 § Leave a comment

I’m a coward.

I’m twenty five years old. I’m a grown man. And I’m afraid.

I’ve spent the past five years of my life running from commitment. I’ve repeatedly hurt the people who loved me. I’ve lashed out, I’ve overreacted, and I’ve abandoned. All out of fear.

Why?

I’ve reached a point in my life where I should be able to detach myself from whatever happened to me growing up. I should be able to look within myself and find the strength to see past whatever happened in my childhood.

I’m trying. But I can’t.

I witnessed first hand what not to do when raising a child. I wish I could tell you that I’m mature enough to be able to take those experiences and use them to my benefit. But the thing is, and all of this literally just occurred to me as I laid in bed wide awake, I can’t.

I learned three things while I was growing up:

  1. Marriage is doomed to failure
  2. Do not trust women
  3. Love is weakness

And although I’m old enough to realize that these ideas are toxic, every time I reach a point in my life where I’m faced with a serious commitment, I put up walls and begin to shut people out.

I don’t want to be alone. But not being alone exposes me to exactly the type of vulnerability I was warned to stay away from.

Alone it is.

 

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