December 15, 2015 § Leave a comment
North Carolina. You’ve been a hell of a roller coaster for me.
When I moved here in May 2013, I was with someone that I naively believed I could spend my life with. She loved me. She begged me to marry her. But I knew in my heart that we were two very different people. I knew that I would be unhappy. And although I haven’t spoken to her since I watched her drive off in a car full of her possessions, I suspect she would agree with me now.
I damaged that girl in a way that is inexcusable. For a very long time I felt a very serious amount of guilt for breaking her heart. Eventually I realized that it was inevitable. Not only had we developed a laundry list of bad habits together, but we were fundamentally different people in completely different phases of our lives. I can only live my life for me.
I have no hatred or ill will toward her. I genuinely wish her the best.
Then, for the first time in my adult life I met someone that made me feel like I had found a soulmate. I never expected to meet someone at the dog park. But that’s exactly what happened. We stood in the park talking for hours. Just the two of us. I couldn’t believe it. It was dark by the time we parted ways and agreed to meet up again. I spent that entire night tossing and turning in bed. I had to see this girl again. I had to get to know her. Yeah, I found her attractive. But it was something else. This girl lit this fire inside me that I couldn’t control. To this day I can’t explain it.
That lasted for about six months.
Then things changed. I started developing a lot of unhealthy habits and thought processes that I’d never experienced before. I was working 12 hour night shifts. I wasn’t sleeping. For the first time in my life I began using marijuana as a way to cope with my problems, rather than just as a fun release.
I started to realize that this person didn’t want the same things out of life that I did. The lengthy conversations that we used to have about our future were pipe dreams for her but serious plans for me. She loved me and wanted to marry me, and I think she believed I would sacrifice my dreams for her.
So now it’s back to me and the dog. And to be honest, most of the time I like it. I can do whatever the hell I want when I want. Outside of work, I’m not answering to anyone except the mutt.
I’m not pursuing a new relationship. I’m letting that work itself out. I am putting myself out there. I’m trying to meet new people. Go out for drinks with coworkers and cute girls if possible. But I’ve made it clear that I don’t want a relationship right now.
I met a girl who I believe is as lonely as I am. She just wants someone to talk to. And if she would’ve just said that, I would’ve loved to be her friend. We went out for a couple beers and we hit it off pretty well. But she misled me, and after talking for a week and getting to know one another, she made it clear that she wanted a relationship.
It felt wrong cutting ties with her. I don’t know why, but I hope she changes her mind.
I don’t know many people in North Carolina. So for now I’m just going to spend my time taking Chula to the park, going to bars, and trying to meet new people.
I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now. But I think I like it that way. Maybe one day I’ll meet a girl who makes me want to settle down. But for now I can handle casual sex and occasional loneliness.
December 1, 2015 § Leave a comment
I’m a coward.
I’m twenty five years old. I’m a grown man. And I’m afraid.
I’ve spent the past five years of my life running from commitment. I’ve repeatedly hurt the people who loved me. I’ve lashed out, I’ve overreacted, and I’ve abandoned. All out of fear.
I’ve reached a point in my life where I should be able to detach myself from whatever happened to me growing up. I should be able to look within myself and find the strength to see past whatever happened in my childhood.
I’m trying. But I can’t.
I witnessed first hand what not to do when raising a child. I wish I could tell you that I’m mature enough to be able to take those experiences and use them to my benefit. But the thing is, and all of this literally just occurred to me as I laid in bed wide awake, I can’t.
I learned three things while I was growing up:
- Marriage is doomed to failure
- Do not trust women
- Love is weakness
And although I’m old enough to realize that these ideas are toxic, every time I reach a point in my life where I’m faced with a serious commitment, I put up walls and begin to shut people out.
I don’t want to be alone. But not being alone exposes me to exactly the type of vulnerability I was warned to stay away from.
Alone it is.