September 28, 2015 § Leave a comment
I’ve reached a point where I feel numb to everything around me. I still get the occasional sudden bursts of feeling, but they have been occurring at rapidly decreasing rates. To be honest, the numbness is preferable. I lift weights and sleep a lot and spend the rest of my time working. And work is nice. A lot of the stuff I’m doing lately is mindless and repetitive, which is exactly what I need right now given my state of mind. On my nights off I spend most of the time stressed out for any number of reasons. I just finished a three day weekend, and I’m actually looking forward to working.
There’s still the same voice in the back of my head that’s always been there, screaming and frantically trying to make things work. That voice has died down quite a bit, or at the very least the fog that my mind has been swimming in has dampened its strength. I can hear that part of myself calling for me, but it’s hard to hear. Its almost like when someone tries to yell for you while underwater. It’s a faint echo more than an actual yell.
I don’t believe I’m clinically depressed. I am worn out. Mentally, anyway. But I’m still pushing forward. Right now my life feels like I’ve grabbed a torch, donned some waders, and begun to trudge fearlessly into the darkness. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I’m confident that I will be able to handle it.
I frequently try to tell myself that I’m being dramatic. That I should just suck it up, confront my problems, and handle things like a man. I acknowledge that this is all just mind games, and that I’m better than this. I’ve always been better than this. But then I get into an argument or I start to feel insecure, and boom, I feel myself being sucked into a black hole.
And each time I feel that pull toward the darkness it’s like I’ve lost a battle and I’m one step closer to losing the war. As if one day I’m going to fall into one of these pits and never come out again.
I don’t want help from anyone except the one person that matters to me. They’re the only one who can do this. And it’s not because I believe that no one else is capable, but because I know I won’t let anyone else in. I have nothing in this world except this person, but I’m afraid they’re too upset by my problems to help me. And if that’s the case, I genuinely fear for my well being in the future.