September 28, 2015 § Leave a comment
I’ve reached a point where I feel numb to everything around me. I still get the occasional sudden bursts of feeling, but they have been occurring at rapidly decreasing rates. To be honest, the numbness is preferable. I lift weights and sleep a lot and spend the rest of my time working. And work is nice. A lot of the stuff I’m doing lately is mindless and repetitive, which is exactly what I need right now given my state of mind. On my nights off I spend most of the time stressed out for any number of reasons. I just finished a three day weekend, and I’m actually looking forward to working.
There’s still the same voice in the back of my head that’s always been there, screaming and frantically trying to make things work. That voice has died down quite a bit, or at the very least the fog that my mind has been swimming in has dampened its strength. I can hear that part of myself calling for me, but it’s hard to hear. Its almost like when someone tries to yell for you while underwater. It’s a faint echo more than an actual yell.
I don’t believe I’m clinically depressed. I am worn out. Mentally, anyway. But I’m still pushing forward. Right now my life feels like I’ve grabbed a torch, donned some waders, and begun to trudge fearlessly into the darkness. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I’m confident that I will be able to handle it.
I frequently try to tell myself that I’m being dramatic. That I should just suck it up, confront my problems, and handle things like a man. I acknowledge that this is all just mind games, and that I’m better than this. I’ve always been better than this. But then I get into an argument or I start to feel insecure, and boom, I feel myself being sucked into a black hole.
And each time I feel that pull toward the darkness it’s like I’ve lost a battle and I’m one step closer to losing the war. As if one day I’m going to fall into one of these pits and never come out again.
I don’t want help from anyone except the one person that matters to me. They’re the only one who can do this. And it’s not because I believe that no one else is capable, but because I know I won’t let anyone else in. I have nothing in this world except this person, but I’m afraid they’re too upset by my problems to help me. And if that’s the case, I genuinely fear for my well being in the future.
September 8, 2015 § 3 Comments
I understand myself.
There comes a point where our sexuality and our personality intersect. Where the lens you use to analyze daily life overlaps with the way you approach sexual experiences. Part of growing older and maturing is understanding yourself and how these two parts of your life interact. How they affect one another.
I can’t say for certain which of the two impulses is driving the other. Sure, my sexuality is motivated by pure animal instinct to a certain extent. But it’s been well documented that our sexual desires are colored by our non-sexual experiences and aspirations. The type of person we see ourselves as – or perhaps even the type of person that we actually are – influences our sexual preferences. The reverse is certainly true as well.
The origins of my lust for sexual dominance are unclear. To the people that I interact with in many aspects of my life, I may seem reserved and almost standoffish. But I suspect that the select people who have experienced living alongside me in personal and sexual relationships understand that I am extremely passionate and engaging when it comes to the things I care about deeply.
Sex is for me is, like most people, a very personal and sacred experience. It took meeting the right person for me to begin to truly understand myself and what I want. Both sexually and personally. Finding someone whose personality and demeanor compliments yours is a deeply fulfilling and rewarding thing. It was essential to better understanding who I am.
But that isn’t to say that everything is easy. Coming to terms with who you are can be extremely daunting and at times confusing. It has been for me. But for the first time since I’ve begun to look myself in the mirror and be honest about who I am, I’ve begun to see light at the end of the tunnel. It’s been tumultuous and seemingly unstable at times. For a while I’ve felt like I lost control of my life and the direction it was headed. But lately, seemingly out of nowhere, I’ve started to get the sense that this is merely a phase on the path toward becoming one with myself.
This has the potential to be a defining moment for me. I want to embrace who I am with everything that I have. For the first time I want to alter my physical appearance in meaningful ways. I want to look the way I feel, not the way the latest fads and fashions dictate I should look.
At the risk of being cliché, life is a journey. There will be no watershed moment when I will finally “be one” with my soul and become the final version of myself. Every day I am evolving and changing and that will be the case for as long as I’m lucky enough to enjoy life. The important thing is to ensure that my evolution is headed in a direction toward what I truly feel is “me”.
Who is Eric and what does he look like? Fuck if I know, but stay tuned and we will all find out.