Understanding Yourself

July 15, 2015 § Leave a comment

Today was my 25th birthday. Well, yesterday I guess. it’s 12:30 AM on Wednesday, July 15th, 2015. My birthday was the 14th. It was just another day. I took Katie out for dinner. She had a beer. The only minor difference was that I was driving us from Trinidad, CA to Portland, OR the entire day. And that Katie got altitude sickness and threw up on the side of the road just north of the Oregon border. And that most of the ride was in silence because the sickness gave her a really bad headache.

So in some ways it was unusual. But not really that unusual. Katie’s asleep and I’m up. Once again not very unusual. I feel alone a lot lately. It’s weird, because Katie and I are just as close as we’ve ever been but I often find myself up alone at night mentally pacing. I feel alone.

I’m high right now, but not overwhelmingly so. I’m simultaneously anxious about how alone I feel and anxious about this road trip. I’ve never been an anxious person but I think that does a good job of describing how I feel. I think the people who own this house just got home. I’m anxious about the road trip because I know that Katie hates it. I mean, she loves seeing new places and she is truly trying to enjoy herself, but I know she’d much rather be at resort or a 5 star hotel. She wants different things in life. And that’s fine.

I don’t find myself to be terribly adventurous. It’s not like I’m backpacking in Somalia or something. But I do like to go off the beaten path. And I do find comfort in not knowing where I’ll lay down next. And I find happiness in searching out new places. Even if that means driving in a compact car for 5,000 miles.

That’s me. And just as I can’t blame Katie for being Katie, I can’t blame myself for staying true to my heart. We all have different wants and needs. And we all have different frequencies with which we expect those wants and needs to be satisfied. So if you want it done right, do it yourself. Don’t expect anyone else (even your partner) to embrace your preferences. Even if it was your birthday.


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