July 27, 2015 § Leave a comment
“Life is serendipitous, man.”
I peer over the thick black frames of these god forsaken shades. Where did I get these damn things? A dollar store. Probably a dollar store. Always a fuckin dollar store with these miscreants. The man’s lost his mind. It finally happened. I begin to sit up – woah, no. Never mind. I command my muscles but the universe says, “no”. Well, the universe and the eighth of California’s finest we just split.
“Do me a favor and spell that.” I murmur as a lean back in this old chair and shield my face from the fool across from me with a fresh copy of the Beacon Journal. An exotic find in these parts, I might add.
“Sure dick. Ser-in-dippit-tus.”
I don’t even bother breaking my gaze from the paper. If it were anyone else I might laugh. I mean, even if it were just a half-assed attempt to break an otherwise awkward silence following a shitty joke. But old Buck here wasn’t joking. No, he’s just too stoned to discern the intricacies of the English language. Syllables and letters become one when you’re too perpetually high to give a fuck either way.
“Very good, Buck.”
I look up at the ceiling. My shaggy brown locks hang effortlessly as the world begins to leave. Soon the ceiling begins to rise. Now I’m looking at myself from the ceiling. From what I can tell I’m still sitting in my chair. The ceiling rises and I with it. Up, up, and away. Eventually my point of view reaches the roof. Surely it will stop here. No, it keeps going. Up, up, and…
“Wake up, dad!”
Shit, it happened again.
“David, why aren’t you in school?”
“You were calling me Buck, again.” David grinned. He always got a kick out of my trips. Little bastard, just like his mother.
“Get your bag packed, Davey. You’re going to be late”
July 26, 2015 § Leave a comment
Early morning, Monday, August 18th, 1968 — Bethel, New York
The damp, late summer air lays stagnant over the remaining hoards as a tired silence permeates what was once an electric atmosphere. Before that, an empty field. A slight breeze blows and carries a stench, but we were immune. Love was in the air, or so we were convinced. The crowds had dissipated. Only those of us who truly believed remained. Fads are a fickle thing, but love brought us here. And love will prevail. We were sure.
I look into her eyes. Deep and blue, she looks back. We stare deeply into each other’s eyes. No, even deeper. We were looking directly into each other’s souls. No words were spoken, but the unspoken truth was real. We knew each other. Maybe not in this life until two nights ago, but in a previous life there was no question. And many more before that.
As we lay in the grass having a conversation with no words, she reaches out and grabs my hand. I feel her touch penetrate my very being. We don’t break eye contact – blue on blue in a sea of green – as we forget the world and reconnect in the way that only kindred spirits can. In a couple nights we’ve shared our minds, bodies, and souls with only each other. The music became the soundtrack to our universe. We were the show. We were the attraction.
As the world slowly slipped into the background, we grabbed each other’s arms. I look even deeper into her eyes and feel the warmth of her soul wash over mine. Then I feel the rush of euphoria as she delivers the fuel that brought us here. I look into her eyes and for the first time I sense a break in the stupor. Her turn. I grip the syringe and find her favorite vein. As I break my concentration on her arm and look into her eyes, I see the same light in the back of her eye begin to flicker again. She smiles. We smile.
At once, nirvana takes hold.
Then something goes wrong. How much time has passed? Does anyone else notice? I begin to look around frantically but realize I can’t move my head. I catch the look of fear in her eyes. I can tell she senses mine as well. Our souls reconnect and suddenly it’s okay. She smiles, we smile. This is it.
A new light begins to appear. This one brighter than either of us. We fall into it together. The world begins to fade into the distance. Our souls melt into each other and into this new light. We are together again, and shall meet again soon. Once every generation our lights recombine. And the universe repeats itself.
When we meet again is anyone’s guess. But the love of animals will surely play a part in resorting the mess.
July 23, 2015 § Leave a comment
I shouldn’t feel this way.
I just got back from a once in a lifetime experience. Katie and I drove across the entire country and stayed in strangers’ homes for a month. I was on the road for so long that being back at the house in Knightdale was like a breath of fresh air. I experienced things that I will likely never experience ever again. I saw things that made me feel ways I’ve never felt before. I met people that I will hopefully stay in touch with and remember for life. These are great people. These are great experiences. It was life, pure and uncut.
All of this makes it that much harder for me to explain how I feel right now. And how I’ve felt for the past few days. I feel a sneaking sense that something is missing from my life. I can’t put my finger on it or explain what it is, but there’s certainly something lacking.
At certain points in my travels I get momentary lapses where I feel free and at peace. For short spurts certain places give me a sensation of satisfaction. But that feeling quickly dissipates and I find myself left with the same feeling. Not empty, but not full. I love so many aspects of my life: I live in peace and solitude in a quiet neighborhood with a person that I love deeply. I have animals that I love with everything I have. I have a black lab that I adopted as a puppy and love deeply. My life is not lacking love and peace. Smoking weed makes me feel so happy and warm. It makes me appreciate these things even more. I love this.
But life almost becomes more complicated once you’ve found love and comfort. You begin to worry about things that don’t matter. You begin to question the lifestyle you live. The people you associate with (or don’t associate with) and you can quickly worry yourself into a depression if you’re not careful.
Certain aspects of my life make me happy enough to see through these things. Spending quality time with those I love. Having sex. Getting high. Travel. Setting personal goals (professional, financial, and physical).
But Diane Martinez, a wonderful woman whose home we stayed in while visiting Lake Tahoe, told us that we should find the place that makes us happy and just move. “Do it now!” That resonated with me and made me appreciate what I’m doing with my life. I’m doing what makes me happy. Now!
But because professional and financial ties are keeping us docked in North Carolina for a little while, that aspect of life change will need to wait. However I think that the ultimate measure of personal happiness is your ability to be happy where you are. If you’re unhappy where you are now, you will no doubt be an unhappy person anywhere else in the world. Rather than waiting for a physical relocation to start changing, why not embrace change where you are? Then once you finally make that leap you can be prepared for it.
I think my life is lacking spirituality. I’ve been agnostic for quite some time. Never belligerently so, but lately I’ve noticed that my spiritual doubt has been leading to a buildup in bitterness toward the religious. Which is silly.
I stayed at this Buddhist man’s house in Berkeley. I didn’t know he was Buddhist. I didn’t care either. But there was a quote he had framed next to his couch that resonated with me. It was a famous quote by Milarepa, a Tibetan Buddhist master. It goes as follows:
All worldly pursuits have but the one unavoidable end, which is sorrow: acquisitions end in dispersion; buildings in destruction; meetings in separation; births, in death. Knowing this, one should, from the very first, renounce acquisition and heaping up, and building, and meeting; and faithful to the commands of an eminent guru, set about realizing the Truth (which has no birth or death)
First of all, thoughts of growing old have always scared the hell out of me. Further, I know sorrow and dispersion all too well. Any religious figure who’s willing to embrace these realities of life is worth listening to. My only loose end is finding an “eminent guru”.
When I told my host about the quote he left me with “good luck on your journey”. Maybe he meant the road trip, but I suspect he meant something much more. Another mind touched, another body directed toward a new goal. Such is how we affect each other as human beings. It truly is magical.
July 15, 2015 § Leave a comment
Today was my 25th birthday. Well, yesterday I guess. it’s 12:30 AM on Wednesday, July 15th, 2015. My birthday was the 14th. It was just another day. I took Katie out for dinner. She had a beer. The only minor difference was that I was driving us from Trinidad, CA to Portland, OR the entire day. And that Katie got altitude sickness and threw up on the side of the road just north of the Oregon border. And that most of the ride was in silence because the sickness gave her a really bad headache.
So in some ways it was unusual. But not really that unusual. Katie’s asleep and I’m up. Once again not very unusual. I feel alone a lot lately. It’s weird, because Katie and I are just as close as we’ve ever been but I often find myself up alone at night mentally pacing. I feel alone.
I’m high right now, but not overwhelmingly so. I’m simultaneously anxious about how alone I feel and anxious about this road trip. I’ve never been an anxious person but I think that does a good job of describing how I feel. I think the people who own this house just got home. I’m anxious about the road trip because I know that Katie hates it. I mean, she loves seeing new places and she is truly trying to enjoy herself, but I know she’d much rather be at resort or a 5 star hotel. She wants different things in life. And that’s fine.
I don’t find myself to be terribly adventurous. It’s not like I’m backpacking in Somalia or something. But I do like to go off the beaten path. And I do find comfort in not knowing where I’ll lay down next. And I find happiness in searching out new places. Even if that means driving in a compact car for 5,000 miles.
That’s me. And just as I can’t blame Katie for being Katie, I can’t blame myself for staying true to my heart. We all have different wants and needs. And we all have different frequencies with which we expect those wants and needs to be satisfied. So if you want it done right, do it yourself. Don’t expect anyone else (even your partner) to embrace your preferences. Even if it was your birthday.