Getting Back To What Makes Me “Me”

January 14, 2015 § Leave a comment

For a while there I was legitimately worried about myself. I had entered a pretty dark stage of my life. I made some drastic changes and I think I completely freaked myself out. That isn’t to say I’m totally out of the dark. But I get the feeling I’ve done enough to reevaluate the very foundation of the thought processes that were stressing me out the most.

The bottom line is that I have to just do what I’ve always done and just sort of be chill. I’ve been getting crazy worked up over the past six months or so. I was previously blaming the major life changes I’ve made for my stress. I thought that those changes were what forced me to acknowledge all of the issues in my life and my past that I had previously ignored. And although that may be true to a certain extent, I think a better explanation is that I’ve simply lost touch with myself.

I’ve never cared. I never cared that my childhood was dysfunctional. I just sort of lived life by the seat of my pants and said “fuck it” to whatever stressed me out. That’s what caused me to eventually end my previous long term relationship.I got stressed so I said fuck it and met someone who didn’t stress me out. Then when I entered a new relationship, for a number of reasons I lost sight of this easygoing and chill perspective on life.

After thinking things over (okay, this thought literally just occurred to me as I was typing), I think one of the main reasons I’ve begun to stress over my precarious family situation (and the whole fear of “being alone”) was that my new partner suffered a lot of the same kinds of issues growing up that I had. One of the things we had most in common was a less than picture perfect childhood. It’s part of what made us connect on such a deep level. This common ground led to conversations about our past..conversations that I hadn’t really ever had with anyone else. So I’m bringing up these ideas in the midst of making life altering changes. It’s not hard to see how this type of thing could stress someone out. I’m not suggesting that this is anyone’s fault or even that it was unhealthy. It was probably better that I acknowledge the things I’d spent years ignoring.

However, I think it’s overstating my situation to say that I’ve spent my entire life up until this point denying or suppressing thoughts of my childhood. It’s more so that I was a very calm person with an easy going perspective on life. Maybe that was some kind of “defense mechanism” or elaborate wall I used to deny the issues I never wanted to face. I’m sure you could take this down some deep rabbit hole of psychoanalysis. But the point remains, I was always very calm and cool person. I’ve lost sight of that over the past 6 months and its stressed me the fuck out.

So, here’s to attempting to go back to that “fuck it” mentality. I can still love with passion as I always have. I can still be there for the person I love. I can still be a good person. But I don’t have to live my life in fear of the future or the past. Dying alone won’t happen, man. Not if you live your life like someone who doesn’t deserve to be alone. Don’t be afraid, don’t be bitter, and don’t be a dick.

I’ve never been the jealous type. I know I’m a great lover. I realize that I’m the shit at sex. Like really fucking good. 🙂 Just like my family related stress, all of my recent insecurities are the direct result of me losing sight of who I am. I’m relaxed. I’m calm. I’m chill. I’m cool. I’m not worried with what others will do to me. Because karma, n’at. If you know someone you care about has lied to you, eh, fuck it. They’ll get theirs. That’s life. Only you can make you happy. That’s something I had(have?) to reteach myself.

Until next time,

P.S. Tame Impala is reportedly coming out with a new album in 2015. I’m so stoked. Totes mcgoats, bruh.


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