December 21, 2014 § Leave a comment
This Tuesday, December 23rd will mark six months since Katie and I started dating.
Perhaps it’s because of the holidays but I’ve been unusually uncomfortable with the reality that I really don’t have anyone else. Or maybe it’s because things have been so rough between the two of us lately and the thought of losing her makes me realize that I literally have no one else on this earth. Whatever the reason, I’m afraid.
Moving back home is not an option. Nor will it ever be.
Katie told me that she’s unhappy. She says I never seem happy and I’m always down about something. Both of which are true. She thinks I’m bipolar and wonders if I’m clinically depressed. I’m not sure if I’m either of those but I do know that I’m not in a healthy state of mind. I’m fairly certain that ending our relationship would only send me into a downward spiral. I don’t want that.
I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I feel lost and without purpose. I feel like I’ve lost touch with whatever used to motivate me. I don’t love any of the things I used to. I can’t read anymore. I try picking up some of the books I had meant to read a while back. I can’t. I sit down and try to read but my mind just gets distracted by the same fears that keep me up at night. I can’t travel. I have a new job so I can’t afford to miss extended time at work and between the house, our jobs, and having three dogs, weekend trips are essentially out of the question. I never work out. I tried monitoring my eating habits like I used to but all it takes is one terrible day and I lose all motivation to get back into shape. I keep saying I’m going to sign up for a gym membership but every chance I get I just stay home and brood around the house.
I’ve had sex once in the past two weeks.A new record low that is making me feel even worse. Of course Katie and I finally had a couple nights off this weekend but we spent the entire time arguing about how depressed and unhappy I am. She’s getting sick again which will probably lead to a longer gap. I masturbated for the first time in over a year today. It was terrible but it helped quell the unhealthy animalistic rage I feel during long periods without sex.
We don’t go out. I had planned a surprise date night with Katie a couple weeks back. We had talked earlier that week about how I need to enjoy North Carolina and stop obsessing over seeing the rest of the world. So I made an attempt. When I called her after work she said she was really sick. She sounded terrible over the phone. So I said forget it and we just stayed in and watched Netflix. She’s basically been sick since then.
I don’t know why I post this in a public forum. Maybe it’s for the same reason that teenage girls cut their wrists. As if I sort of get off on the potential attention. To be honest I don’t know. All I know for sure is that typing this provides some form of a cathartic release. Would it be embarrassing if anyone I know read it? Of course. I’m just…lost. I feel like I’m fucking sixteen years old again but with adult problems.
I’ve thought about my issues a lot and I think every one of my fears can be traced back to a larger fear of the uncertainty of my future. I’m at a unique stage in my life where every life decision I make has drastic repercussions down the road. Where I live. Who I’m with. Where I work. My profession. If I go back to school. Shit, even what I fucking eat. I can’t do anything without there being some major ripple effect on my life in 15-20 years.
When I reach middle age will I regret the decisions I’ve made? Will I wish I had done things differently? I don’t fucking know.
And that’s what’s fucking killing me right now. Not knowing.