I Need a Hobby

August 29, 2014 § Leave a comment

It’s become apparent to me that I need a hobby.

I need something to do with my free time. Something that I can look forward to during work or idle time or when life gets hard. I need something to take up that lonely space of time that gives our minds the opportunity to wander into the dark corners of our conscience and dwell on depressing realities.

In other words, I need a distraction from thoughts of my impending mortality.

I used to have a lot of hobbies and interests. I used be passionate about sports, reading, politics, and travel. Now it seems I’ve lost whatever passion I had for any of those things. I’ve become decreasingly interested in any sports and I find them increasingly jingoistic and juvenile. I’ve almost completely lost the urge to read anything. I’ve become terribly jaded by world politics (which almost anyone will if they pay close enough attention for long enough) and I find myself in a situation (both professionally and personally) where travel is no longer a reasonable possibility.

I’ve thought about hiking and the outdoors. North Carolina has a lot of beautiful places to hike, kayak, or otherwise explore. But it seems I’ve been so consumed with work all the time (working off shifts and rarely having weekends) that I never have the opportunity to do those things.

I just moved in with Katie and I’ve realized that I use projects around the house as a sort of distraction. The electrical outlets need replaced? I can handle that. The wallpaper needs removed? Got it. The new mirror needs put together? Got that too.

I’ve essentially been spending all of my days alone (while Katie works and I should be sleeping) doing stuff around the house. Part of it’s because I feel invested in this house. I’ve been here since she first moved in. I’ve been helping with a ton of things. Maybe this is taking things too far but I feel like this house is mine as well — perhaps not legally but at least emotionally. However I’ve begun to notice that my little projects around the house have taken on a new and perhaps unhealthy form. They have become a distraction in the same way a hobby might. Instead of just doing things because I want to get them done, I’ve been doing them to keep my mind from drifting off into unhealthy territory.

I’ve been thinking about these things for a while. And yes, it has occurred to me that a lot of what I’m saying sounds like the beginning signs of depression. Given my family history with this issue it has me a bit concerned. However I’m confident that this is just a phase and nothing serious will come of this. Once Katie and I are completely moved into the new house and I’m no longer in this weird limbo stage I’m sure things will start to get better.

It would also help if I could find a job that didn’t require me to stay up all night and gave me weekends off. I’d honestly be willing to take a $20K pay cut if I could find a job that gave me normal working hours. Please? Anyone?

Until next time..

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