August 18, 2014 § Leave a comment
I’ve had the sneaking suspicion that my life was about to go through some serious changes for quite some time now. I didn’t know what form these changes would manifest themselves as but somewhere deep in my soul I could feel the ripples of an impending tidal wave of change headed toward my corner of the cosmic pool.
To make a long story short, those changes have occurred over the course of this summer and while all of them were unexpected, the bulk of them were my own doing. Whether you choose to believe in destiny or free will (your guess is as good as mine if either exists) you have to take a step back and appreciate those (seemingly) tumultuous stages of your life like this one. From the age of 16 to 23 I was pretty damn sure about certain aspects of my life. I thought that I had decided on at least one facet of my life and that my decision was final. Silly me. Never doubt the human mind’s ability to change direction. There is no such thing as “thought/feeling inertia”. Just because you’ve kept an aspect of your life constant for a prolonged period of time doesn’t mean it has enough momentum to survive the inevitable changes of heart that life casually stirs up — especially in that confusing decade of life that takes place between the ages of 19 and 30.
So here I am. 24 years old and wondering where the hell I’ll be at age 30. Will I be married? Will I have children? Where will I live? Will I be alone?
I’d like to think that I know the answer to those questions. I’d like to believe that if the feelings I’ve experienced over the past few months were strong enough for me to demolish everything I’d previously known and rebuild then they must be strong enough to weather the storms that lie ahead. The truth is that if I’ve learned anything from this summer it’s that nothing is for certain. You can’t control what others will do to you. Every decision you make in life is in some way shaped by the actions of others. In short, the decisions we make (and thus our future) are affected by the actions of those around us (especially those closest to us).
However, I’ve learned something else that helps me cope with this somewhat sobering realization: you can’t be motivated by fear. You must make decisions because it’s what you want and nothing else. True, we are ultimately at the mercy of those around us — you can be hurt, misled, lied to, cheated on, etc. And there is no question that some of these things will happen to you in varying degrees. But it’s best to just accept this and enjoy life for what it is.The sooner I come to terms with this reality the better. I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s hard. I’m not a jealous person, but trust can be fickle thing when past experiences left a bad taste in your mouth.
My mentality moving forward is simple: embrace the change, and be true to yourself. I’m at this awkward stage in my life where I’m technically an adult but I’m not exactly sure who I am or what I want out of life. Luckily, I’ve found someone who understands me (often better than I understand myself..) and they love me enough to be patient while I figure myself out. I love this person deeply and I’ve put every ounce of trust that I have into them. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about this person. Could they break my heart? Sure, anything is possible. And I’d be the first to admit that it would tear me apart if that happened. Regardless, I can not live in fear of the unknown.
Because I’ve really put myself out on a limb and made myself about as vulnerable as one could be after being in a relationship for less than three months, let me leave a simple note to my future self which may come in handy on a rainy day(which hopefully never comes):
No one is worth ending your life over.