October 6, 2012 § Leave a comment
If someone were to suggest that Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign is a covert attempt by the Republicans to reelect Barack Obama, they might be laughed out of the room by most mainstream politicos. And for good reason. But after some of the things he said in the debate last night, I’m having trouble understanding what in the hell is going through the collective mind of the Romney campaign. It’s like they want Obama to win.
Luckily, I follow politics in just about the opposite fashion as most Americans. The average American spends the first three and a half years of a presidential term with their face pressed up against the television, mindlessly idolizing their favorite Jersey Shore cast member. Then, just as the presidential debates are about to begin, political ads hit the television like a tidal wave. This is what I call a “dipshit alarm clock”. It reminds every dumbass that they should exercise their “political duty” and vote for whichever establishment candidate they decide upon after an in depth five minute Google search or a ten minute conversation with a friend. That’s the beautiful thing about democracy, after all. Absolutely anyone can vote, even the genius who makes his voting choices using completely irrational methods!
On the other hand, I typically pay very close attention to current events up until the point where it’s decided which candidate will represent each party. This usually occurs right before the first presidential debates. So I’m basically tuning out the political news just as the rest of the country is tuning in.
Luckily for me, my definition of “tuning out” is pretty close to what most Americans consider “tuning in”. In other words, I give such a small amount of my attention to the presidential race, that it gives me the perfect opportunity to examine what the average dumbass—err, American—takes away from the debates.
After the first round of debates, two things are clear:
1) Obama isn’t great at debating.
2) Mitt Romney wants to end Sesame Street!!!!111
I’ve gained these insights in the same way that most Americans would have: skimming articles that recapped the debate, watching a few short clips from the debate, and reading comments on news articles posted by anonymous people with corny usernames. I basically did everything except watch the damn debate.
So now that I’ve analyzed the debate from the perspective of your average American, let’s take a look at things from a more…adult POV.
Mitt Romney wants to lose.
Seriously, we’re 16 trillion dollars in debt, and Mitt Romney makes it a central point to cut spending on PBS. He even explicitly mentions Sesame street. Yeah, Mitt. Let’s just forget about Medicare, Social Security, the wars (foreign and domestic), etc, etc. Let’s focus on Sesame Street. Yeah, that’ll really get people excited about voting for you.
Here’s what you need to know about Mitt Romney:
1) He will not cut welfare spending.
2) He will not cut the warfare spending.
3) He will cut Big Bird spending.
If you’re considering voting for either candidate and you’re under the age of 30, it’s time for you to turn the television off. There’s no excuse for the open-minded youth of this country to reduce themselves to the level of voting for a Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich.